Some funny lines from George Carlin:

One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.

If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?

I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help section?"

She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself,

is it considered a hostage situation?

What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?

If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?

If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?

How do blind people know when they are done wiping?

Why are hemorrhoids called "hemorrhoids" instead of "assteroids"?