Some funny lines from George Carlin:
One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help section?"
She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself,
is it considered a hostage situation?
What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
How do blind people know when they are done wiping?
Why are hemorrhoids called "hemorrhoids" instead of "assteroids"?